Real Girls Guide to Midlife

I am thrilled to be featured as the divorce expert in this unabashedly ferocious girl’s guide. Mine is but a small part of this work that tackles all things life in the later years. Funny. Honest. Essential.

Check out the book.

 

 

GRATITUDE AFTER DIVORCE – Finding Emotional Closure

OK, let’s get the humor out of the way: many of my clients are grateful for the divorce. And that’s understandable. The circumstances leading up to a divorce are difficult and the process of divorce is often difficult. But this is not the gratitude I’m referring to here. I’m referencing something deeper than the circumstances of time and place; rather, an awareness that life is precious, that struggles are an opportunity for growth, that the world is much bigger than ourselves and that our words and actions do make a difference.

Life is Precious: Most of us, me included, go about our day without even thinking about our bodies unless something is not functioning correctly. But how often is everything working right? We are amazing. And our natural world is amazing. We all recognize it when we stop and think about it or observe it. The trouble is, we don’t do that enough. Who has time to do it at all during divorce? It takes all your mental energy just to take the steps to make it to the next day. Now is the time to stop and acknowledge your wonderful self – no matter how many emotional bumps and bruises you’ve acquired. You survived one of the most stressful events that can happen to someone.

Life is good even when it is not: Life is full of ups and downs. It’s easy to feel grateful at the peaks and harder when in the valleys. But we can be grateful, regardless. Being grateful is a state of mind, not just an emotion. It takes effort and practice, but it is possible. One must look beyond the immediate hardship. There is always something profoundly positive to acknowledge: health, a friendship, a fond memory, laughter, a stranger’s random act of kindness, a child’s love, a song, a piece of chocolate, the sunshine, the sound of the ocean, a pleasant aroma, a comfortable bed, a full stomach, among others. And there is courage in facing struggles with an open heart. We too often try to avoid hardship, but it is during hardship that our true abilities must rise to the challenge. We are forced out of our comfort zone. We are tested. Even in failure we learn and grow. But only if we are willing to accept the lesson.

We are but a small part of a big world: Divorce affects so much of one’s life that it is only natural to focus solely inward, making ourselves central. It is here that we can get caught up into thinking ourselves too important, taking credit for too much or blaming ourselves too much, often trying to control too much out of fear. But being thankful requires looking outward and acknowledging that we are often not in control of much our overall life. This results in grace towards not just us, but also towards others.

Affirmative words and actions: Those who practice gratitude not only recognize blessings but affirmatively acknowledge them and act on them. This creates and strengthens social bonds, integrates us with the greater community and makes us part of the positive force helping others.

If you look for good, you will often find it. If you project positivity, you will often receive it. Divorce hinders the ability to do either of these. Often, those involved in a divorce are doing just the opposite and reaping the negative consequences. Changing your mindset can change your life. Try the following to start:

 

  1. Focus on and acknowledge the good from your prior relationship.
  2. Identify decisions or things you did during the divorce that you are proud of and thank yourself.
  3. Identify decisions or things you could have done better during the divorce and learn from it. Give yourself credit for that insight and for striving to be better.
  4. Identify some friends and family members who helped you through your divorce. Write them a thank you letter or take them out for coffee/lunch and thank them in person. Focus your communication on how they helped you through a difficult time and how appreciative you are. Make it about them, not your divorce.
  5. Keep a daily journal or notes on your phone or pictures of things that bring you joy or comfort. Refer back to them on difficult days and before you go to bed each night.

More tips on achieving peace and happiness following divorce can be found in the book, Divorce Matters, by Attorney Kathy Boufford, available at Amazon,  Barnes and Noble and other on-line book providers.

DIVIDING HOLIDAYS DURING AND AFTER DIVORCE: Tips for Peaceful Parenting*

Holidays can be stressful enough without having to negotiate parenting time. While dividing time between each parent requires some planning and effort, it does not have to be a struggle. Here are some tips to ease the process:

  1. Start early! It is so much easier to focus on creating a child-centered plan when you don’t have the calendar bearing down on you and your time and energy are not already sapped by other holiday to-do’s. Setting up something early also allows advanced communication of the schedule to other family members, thereby reducing the chance of conflicts and hurt feelings.
  2. Focus more on how each parent can best celebrate the holiday than on what day it actually falls on. Many, if not most, holidays are actually celebrated over several days. Independence Day is July 4th but celebrations are often held throughout the week and especially on the weekends before and after if it falls on a weekday. Some communities celebrate Halloween on October 31st, but many others have their celebrations on a nearby Saturday or Sunday. This is in addition to the many trunk-or-treats and other opportunities offered by civic and private organizations. Thanksgiving is on Thursday but the Friday and Saturday immediately following are wonderful and customary alternatives to the traditional Thursday dinner. Just because one parent is getting the holiday does not mean that the other parent cannot also have their own celebration with the children.
  3. Although it is common to alternate the actual holidays and then rotate each year, do what is best for your family. Many couples have different preferences as to which holidays are celebrated. An example of this is where one parent’s extended family always has a big gathering on Christmas Eve and the other parent’s extended family does Christmas Day. Another example is one parent who prefers to go away to ski over the President’s Day weekend and the other who would rather travel to warmer weather or visit grandparents during the school Spring Break. These parents may care more about creating yearly traditions with the children than alternating these times. It’s OK.
  4. Do your best to support and compliment each other’s holiday parenting time. It’s not a contest. Your children should be happy to be with each parent without feeling guilty.
  5. Put your agreement, the holiday schedule, in writing. It won’t prevent a parent from disrupting it, but it is likely to minimize conflict and any possible misunderstanding. Include starting and ending times and who is responsible for transportation.

In the end, the best holiday gifts you and your co-parent can give your children is certainty surrounding their holiday schedule and peace between their parents.

*More detailed information on parenting plans can be found in Divorce Matters, a legal guidebook written by Attorney Kathy Boufford available at Amazon,  Barnes and Noble and other on-line book providers.

Divorce Matters: Podcaster Andrew Phipps interviews Kathy Boufford

Key themes and important insights from the INTIMACY INQUIRY podcast episode “Navigating Divorce with Expert Kathy Boufford: Communication, Challenges, and Practical Advice.”

Main Themes:

  • The Multifaceted Nature of Divorce: The episode highlights divorce as a complex process encompassing both legal and emotional challenges.
  • The Critical Role of Communication: Effective communication is emphasized as crucial, not only within marital relationships but also during the divorce process itself.
  • Empowerment Through Information: Kathy Boufford’s work, particularly her guide “Divorce Matters,” aims to provide individuals with the knowledge and tools needed to navigate divorce effectively.
  • Addressing Specific Challenges: The discussion covers particular issues faced by different demographics, such as older couples, and practical aspects like choosing legal representation.
  • Proactive Planning: The importance of pre-marital agreements is noted as a means of proactive planning.

Most Important Ideas/Facts:

  1. Emphasis on Communication: The podcast underscores “the importance of communication in marital relationships.” While not explicitly stated as a direct quote, this theme is woven throughout the discussion, implying its foundational role in healthy relationships and potentially in mitigating the difficulties of divorce.
  2. Rising Divorce Rates Among Older Couples: A significant demographic trend highlighted is “the challenges older couples face as divorce rates among those over fifty rise.” This points to a specific and growing area of concern within family law.
  3. Practical Advice on Legal Representation: Boufford provides “valuable tips on choosing the right attorney,” indicating practical guidance for individuals entering the divorce process.
  4. Importance of Pre-marital Agreements: The episode touches “on the importance of pre-marital agreements,” suggesting a proactive approach to potential marital dissolution. This aligns with the idea of planning and preparedness.