Real Girls Guide to Midlife

I am thrilled to be featured as the divorce expert in this unabashedly ferocious girl’s guide. Mine is but a small part of this work that tackles all things life in the later years. Funny. Honest. Essential.

Check out the book.

 

 

DIVIDING HOLIDAYS DURING AND AFTER DIVORCE: Tips for Peaceful Parenting*

Holidays can be stressful enough without having to negotiate parenting time. While dividing time between each parent requires some planning and effort, it does not have to be a struggle. Here are some tips to ease the process:

  1. Start early! It is so much easier to focus on creating a child-centered plan when you don’t have the calendar bearing down on you and your time and energy are not already sapped by other holiday to-do’s. Setting up something early also allows advanced communication of the schedule to other family members, thereby reducing the chance of conflicts and hurt feelings.
  2. Focus more on how each parent can best celebrate the holiday than on what day it actually falls on. Many, if not most, holidays are actually celebrated over several days. Independence Day is July 4th but celebrations are often held throughout the week and especially on the weekends before and after if it falls on a weekday. Some communities celebrate Halloween on October 31st, but many others have their celebrations on a nearby Saturday or Sunday. This is in addition to the many trunk-or-treats and other opportunities offered by civic and private organizations. Thanksgiving is on Thursday but the Friday and Saturday immediately following are wonderful and customary alternatives to the traditional Thursday dinner. Just because one parent is getting the holiday does not mean that the other parent cannot also have their own celebration with the children.
  3. Although it is common to alternate the actual holidays and then rotate each year, do what is best for your family. Many couples have different preferences as to which holidays are celebrated. An example of this is where one parent’s extended family always has a big gathering on Christmas Eve and the other parent’s extended family does Christmas Day. Another example is one parent who prefers to go away to ski over the President’s Day weekend and the other who would rather travel to warmer weather or visit grandparents during the school Spring Break. These parents may care more about creating yearly traditions with the children than alternating these times. It’s OK.
  4. Do your best to support and compliment each other’s holiday parenting time. It’s not a contest. Your children should be happy to be with each parent without feeling guilty.
  5. Put your agreement, the holiday schedule, in writing. It won’t prevent a parent from disrupting it, but it is likely to minimize conflict and any possible misunderstanding. Include starting and ending times and who is responsible for transportation.

In the end, the best holiday gifts you and your co-parent can give your children is certainty surrounding their holiday schedule and peace between their parents.

*More detailed information on parenting plans can be found in Divorce Matters, a legal guidebook written by Attorney Kathy Boufford available at Amazon,  Barnes and Noble and other on-line book providers.

Divorce Matters: Podcaster Andrew Phipps interviews Kathy Boufford

Key themes and important insights from the INTIMACY INQUIRY podcast episode “Navigating Divorce with Expert Kathy Boufford: Communication, Challenges, and Practical Advice.”

Main Themes:

  • The Multifaceted Nature of Divorce: The episode highlights divorce as a complex process encompassing both legal and emotional challenges.
  • The Critical Role of Communication: Effective communication is emphasized as crucial, not only within marital relationships but also during the divorce process itself.
  • Empowerment Through Information: Kathy Boufford’s work, particularly her guide “Divorce Matters,” aims to provide individuals with the knowledge and tools needed to navigate divorce effectively.
  • Addressing Specific Challenges: The discussion covers particular issues faced by different demographics, such as older couples, and practical aspects like choosing legal representation.
  • Proactive Planning: The importance of pre-marital agreements is noted as a means of proactive planning.

Most Important Ideas/Facts:

  1. Emphasis on Communication: The podcast underscores “the importance of communication in marital relationships.” While not explicitly stated as a direct quote, this theme is woven throughout the discussion, implying its foundational role in healthy relationships and potentially in mitigating the difficulties of divorce.
  2. Rising Divorce Rates Among Older Couples: A significant demographic trend highlighted is “the challenges older couples face as divorce rates among those over fifty rise.” This points to a specific and growing area of concern within family law.
  3. Practical Advice on Legal Representation: Boufford provides “valuable tips on choosing the right attorney,” indicating practical guidance for individuals entering the divorce process.
  4. Importance of Pre-marital Agreements: The episode touches “on the importance of pre-marital agreements,” suggesting a proactive approach to potential marital dissolution. This aligns with the idea of planning and preparedness.

 

Divorce Matters: Podcaster Marci Hopkins interviews Attorney Kathy Boufford

Key insights from the “What You Need to Know About Divorce with Kathy Boufford | Expert Advice” WAKE UP WITH MARCI podcast episode. Highlights the multifaceted nature of divorce, from legal and financial complexities to profound emotional and identity shifts, emphasizing preparation, self-care, and the potential for positive transformation.

I. Understanding the Divorce Process: Dispelling Misconceptions and Practical Preparation

Kathy Boufford, a seasoned family law attorney and author of “Divorce Matters,” addresses common misconceptions about the divorce timeline and advocates for proactive preparation to mitigate stress and cost.

  • Timeline Misconceptions
  • Amicable divorces can be surprisingly fast
  • Contentious divorces are often slower than anticipated
  • Anticipating Adversity and Preparing
  • Proactive Information Gathering is Key: Boufford stresses the importance of gathering necessary financial and other information before papers are served. This “pre-prepare” approach can “bypass those roadblocks that may arise and often arise in contentious cases,” making the process “easier for you and less expensive for you.”
  • “Information is power”: Providing an overview of the process and what to expect offers a “safety net” and significantly reduces anxiety for those contemplating divorce.

II. Emotional Navigation and Self-Discovery Through Divorce

Divorce is presented not just as an ending, but as a deeply transformative period that necessitates emotional processing and the rediscovery of self.

  • Acknowledging a Spectrum of Emotions
  • Shifting Focus to the Future
  • Divorce as an Opportunity for Change
  • The “Mind Shift” from Loss to Opportunity: Initially, the focus is on “loss” (“I’m not going to see my kids… it’s all about loss”). However, Boufford guides clients to recognize that time away from children can be used for self-care and “go back to something I like,” fostering a “self-awareness that becomes apparent.” This shift is crucial for “rediscovering yourself.

III. Protecting Children and Fostering Healthy Coping Mechanism

A significant theme is the importance of protecting children from the emotional burden of divorce and the need for parents to prioritize their own well-being.

  • Communicating with Children:
  • Honesty without Oversharing: While parents “can’t mask your feelings totally,” it’s crucial not to “dump all your emotions on your kids.” Children, even older ones, are “still children” and should not be used as emotional supports.
  • Age-Appropriate Conversations
  • Addressing Guilt
  • Prioritize Self-Care and Mental Stamina
  • Boundaries

IV. The Value of “Divorce Matters” and Professional Guidance

The discussion concludes with the practical benefits of Boufford’s book and the importance of choosing the right legal representation.

  • Comprehensive Resource
  • Support for Support Systems
  • Empowering the Client: Written in “simplistic terms” to be “accessible to a non-attorney,” the book helps clients understand legal concepts and engage more effectively with their attorneys without incurring extra charges for repeated explanations.
  • Finding the Right Attorney
  • Message of Hope The episode concludes with an uplifting message for those navigating divorce or a season of rediscovery: “you’re not broken and you are being rebuilt into someone wiser stronger and more whole than you ever were before and you get to be whoever it is that you want to be on the other side of this.”