DIVIDING HOLIDAYS DURING AND AFTER DIVORCE: Tips for Peaceful Parenting*

Holidays can be stressful enough without having to negotiate parenting time. While dividing time between each parent requires some planning and effort, it does not have to be a struggle. Here are some tips to ease the process:

  1. Start early! It is so much easier to focus on creating a child-centered plan when you don’t have the calendar bearing down on you and your time and energy are not already sapped by other holiday to-do’s. Setting up something early also allows advanced communication of the schedule to other family members, thereby reducing the chance of conflicts and hurt feelings.
  2. Focus more on how each parent can best celebrate the holiday than on what day it actually falls on. Many, if not most, holidays are actually celebrated over several days. Independence Day is July 4th but celebrations are often held throughout the week and especially on the weekends before and after if it falls on a weekday. Some communities celebrate Halloween on October 31st, but many others have their celebrations on a nearby Saturday or Sunday. This is in addition to the many trunk-or-treats and other opportunities offered by civic and private organizations. Thanksgiving is on Thursday but the Friday and Saturday immediately following are wonderful and customary alternatives to the traditional Thursday dinner. Just because one parent is getting the holiday does not mean that the other parent cannot also have their own celebration with the children.
  3. Although it is common to alternate the actual holidays and then rotate each year, do what is best for your family. Many couples have different preferences as to which holidays are celebrated. An example of this is where one parent’s extended family always has a big gathering on Christmas Eve and the other parent’s extended family does Christmas Day. Another example is one parent who prefers to go away to ski over the President’s Day weekend and the other who would rather travel to warmer weather or visit grandparents during the school Spring Break. These parents may care more about creating yearly traditions with the children than alternating these times. It’s OK.
  4. Do your best to support and compliment each other’s holiday parenting time. It’s not a contest. Your children should be happy to be with each parent without feeling guilty.
  5. Put your agreement, the holiday schedule, in writing. It won’t prevent a parent from disrupting it, but it is likely to minimize conflict and any possible misunderstanding. Include starting and ending times and who is responsible for transportation.

In the end, the best holiday gifts you and your co-parent can give your children is certainty surrounding their holiday schedule and peace between their parents.

*More detailed information on parenting plans can be found in Divorce Matters, a legal guidebook written by Attorney Kathy Boufford available at Amazon,  Barnes and Noble and other on-line book providers.

Covid-19 – Family Law Update

How Family Cases are progressing during the Pandemic

Since last writing, in May, 2020, there has been much progression with family law cases.  Up until then, the courts were still only hearing emergency matters and had just begun to accept some agreements without court appearances by the parties.  Starting in June, the courts began holding status conferences and pretrials with judges remotely.  The status conferences were an attempt to triage cases for future court attention.  The pretrials were an attempt to settle and dispose of cases.  The first remote hearings began at the end of July.  It was a bit like the “Wild West” as attorneys and the courts navigated the ever-changing rules concerning remote hearing procedure.  Over six months time, and a lot of “clarification,” later and things are still murky.  I’ve determined that the best approach is to just go with what I think is the correct procedure given the guidance provided and ask for assistance when needed.  It may not be surprising to hear that often the clerks and judges don’t have all the answers either.  Together we’ve been able to sort through the uncertainties with the joint goal of moving the cases forward in a fair and consistent manner.  Communication, empathy and humbleness are key.  I’m pleased to report that I’ve gone through many, many remote hearings successfully.  It’s not ideal, but it can be done.

In an attempt to address the growing backlog of cases filed, the courts have instituted many different remote proceedings.  Some were tried for a short period of time and discontinued.  Some remain.  It has been interesting (and sometimes frustrating) to be a part of this process.   Even the court’s handling of emergency “Priority 1” cases has evolved.  These are the only cases, still, that take place in person at the courthouse.  My first such hearing in early April did not even require that I wear a mask(!).  I think I showed up in a scarf only because it was very cold.  Everyone was told to wait outside.  They took my cell phone number and told me to wait for a call.  My “meeting” with Family Relations was replaced by a phone call where they took down my information and then called the other party to discuss the case with them.  Then called me back…. Not too successful in reaching an agreement as you might imagine.  When we were allowed to go in, it was as if we all had the plague.  The spacing was comical but understandable.  The witnesses were not allowed to “take the stand” and instead were told to testify from counsel’s table (it was OK if the client was next to me, just not the court personnel…..).   Remember when people were afraid to touch paper?  I couldn’t get the clerk to take my Appearance Form.  Finally a marshal with gloves grabbed it and placed it on her desk which did not make her happy.  It’s probably still there.  Well, we made it through the hearing, regardless.

My next hearing was in another court a few weeks later.  By then I had to wear a mask and they were letting attorneys come into the court to sign in but not sit down as all the benches were either removed or blocked from use.  My client had to wait in the car.  Family Relations was still by phone.  When time for our hearing, my client and I were actually put in a courtroom with a monitor while the other party and attorney went into another courtroom with the judge, marshal, clerk (basically everyone else).  We were forced to stand on top of one another in order to both utilize the monitor (so much for social distancing).  As if this was not bad enough, the video camera feeding the monitor was only pointing at the judge.  This was fine when I was talking or listening to the judge but appalling when I was trying to examine the witness and listen to opposing counsel.  I don’t know for sure, but I think this very unfair set-up was quickly aborted.  I have yet to talk with another attorney who experienced such a situation.

Since then, I’ve attended several more emergency hearings and things are getting more and more “normal.”  Family Relations meetings for Priority 1 cases returned to an in-person, albeit socially distanced, affair.  I and my client have been able to enter the courthouse and move pretty freely about the building.  Everyone is in the same courtroom and addresses the Court in the same manner.

Some districts are moving slower than others, for sure, leaving many wondering if their cases will ever be heard.  I am hopeful that these courts will gain traction in the near future.  It is important to keep inquiring about these stagnant cases.

It is my fervent hope that we will return to in-person justice soon.  While I am in favor of retaining some of the remote processes, no amount of technology can replace the immeasurable benefits of live examination, testimony and argument for hearings and trials.

COVID-19 Progress: Courts now taking AGREEMENTS on the Papers which means NO COURT APPEARANCE NECESSARY

Up until recently, the courts were only handling emergency matters, what they call “Priority 1”.  All other matters, no matter how urgent they are to you or if uncontested, had to wait.  Since the beginning of the month, the work the court is handling has been expanding.  The biggest change involves the elimination of the requirement to come to court in order to get agreements approved.  Right now, if you have a full agreement and prepare the necessary paperwork correctly, you can obtain final orders/approvals of agreements in the following matters without having to appear in court:

  • Divorce
  • Legal Separation
  • Custody
  • Visitation
  • Contempt Motions
  • Modification Motions

Attorneys are considered essential workers and have been fully able to work throughout this process.  If you have one of the above matters pending during this pandemic, there is little reason why your attorney is not working on your case to move it forward in an attempt to reach an agreement.  Your attorney has been able to proceed.  If they have not, it is in your best interest to contact them and request they do so.  We do not know if this elimination of court appearances will continue beyond the pandemic response.

If you do not have a case pending but would like to proceed with one, it is not too late to start the process.  If the matter is by agreement, it can likely be completed and filed before this rule changes.

Going to court is not a terrible thing, but most find it inconvenient.  You have to miss work/arrange for child care, travel to court, wait for your turn (which could be a lengthy time) with others, take the stand and publicly testify about the terms of your agreement (which could include personal information).  Had it been an option in the past, most of the clients I’ve worked with would have greatly preferred avoiding court and having their matter approved in private by the judge.  There is also the added benefit of not having to pay your attorney to go to court.  This greatly reduces your cost and should be an added incentive to reach agreements.

Unfortunately, not all matters proceed by agreement and the extent of the disagreement justifies the time and expense of a hearing.  Contested matters are still being filed but have to wait for the courts to be able to accommodate a hearing.  They are only just now starting to schedule contested matters and the dates being given are months away.

If you have any questions or would like assistance with your uncontested or contested matter, please do not hesitate to contact my office.  We have been fully operational, working remotely, and have moved cases forward (and completed some) as much as possible given court restraints and opposing counsel/party cooperation (which hasn’t always been great). We are here to help and will continue to keep you informed as the courts continue to expand services.  Be well.

Written 5/13/2020

Technology Tips

technology addiction

Several months ago I attended a seminar at the Children’s Law Center in Hartford called, “The Good, The Bad and The Internet.” It was presented by Welcome 2 Reality, LLC and was very informative. The purpose was to explore life through the lens of today’s youth and see how the bombardment of programming and social media can impact how they internalize and externalize their perception of reality. It was concerning to say the least but wasn’t all bad news. It was a call to raise awareness on Media Literacy.

Some highlights:

1. Technology Pros and Cons

  • Pros
    • Communication has increased
    • Global networks
    • Helps people stay in touch
    • Able to locate friends
    • Massive notification instantly
    • Created a new language (Text)
  • Cons
    • Reputation ruined in minutes
    • Less personal socialization
    • Cyber-Bullying
    • Texting and talking while driving
    • More fights due to internet
    • Lack of accountability
    • Anything can be edited online
    • Users can become addicted

2. Signs of Cell Phone/Internet Addiction

  • You feel anxious without your cell phone;
  • During a face to face conversation you are thinking about using or start using your phone;
  • In public or at dinner you start using your phone;
  • Cell phone use is getting in the way of your life;
  • When you start documenting/posting everything in your life

3. Texting While Driving

  • Texting While Driving Causes:
    • 1,600,000 accidents per year
    • 330,000 injuries per year
    • 11 teen deaths EVERY DAY
    • Nearly 25% of ALL car accidents
  • Texting While Driving Is:
    • About 6 times more likely to cause accident than intoxicated driving
    • The same as driving after 4 beers
    • The number one driving distraction reported by teen drivers
  • Texting While Driving:
    • Makes you 23 times more likely to crash
    • Is the same a driving blind for 5 seconds at a time
    • Takes place by 800,000 drivers at any given time in US
    • Slows your brake reaction speed by 18%
    • Leads to a 400% increase with eyes off the road

4. Impact of Music on Girls who viewed at least 14 hours of videos per week:

  • Over 2.5 times more likely to get arrested
  • Twice as likely to have multiple sexual partners
  • 1.5 times more likely to get a sexually transmitted disease, use drugs or drink alcohol

5. Treatment & Cures for Overuse of Technology:

  • Counseling to establish a treatment program/evaluate progress
  • Admit there is a problem
  • Disable push notifications
  • Deal with your boredom
  • Stop following trends
  • Think before you type
  • Engage in or real relationships
  • Try a week off

6. Internet Safety Resources:

welcome2reality.us
missingkids.com
netsmartz.org
webwise.ie
cybertipline.com
onlinesafety.com
connectsafely.org
commonsensemedia.org

7. Social Media Youth Contract:

Anticipating Step-Parents, What Should Be In The Divorce Agreement?

divorce agreement

Sometimes significant others are on the radar at the time of the divorce (or before) and sometimes it is an afterthought. If there are children of the marriage, this arrangement should be anticipated and discussed prior to the divorce. Often, the more is not the merrier. Third parties change the dynamic of the family unit and each person’s relationship with the other – good and bad. Children – even older/adult children – have a hard time with their parents’ new relationships. If the new relationship is present before the child has adjusted to the divorce, it compounds the issue. These are delicate matters and, for a variety of reasons, many good parents are blind to the need for children to process their new reality. For many parents, the marriage was unhappy – or “over” – for a long time. By the time the divorce is complete they are more than ready to move on. Not so for many children. They didn’t get to wrap their brain around the idea of divorce before it started. They were not (or should not have been) privy to all the back and forth negotiations and considerations that go into crafting parenting plans. At a time when parents are finally settled and accepting of their new reality, the children are still in the initial stages of processing it. In addition, it is not uncommon for children to try to comfort their parents and not vocalize their uncertainty or discomfort, thus appearing as if all is well. Often, all is not well. This comes to a head when third parties are introduced too soon or if the other parent takes offense at the new relationship. Some children will immediately take the side of the “hurt” parent and reject the new individual/relationship. It is not uncommon for a child to feel as if the parent in the new relationship is ignoring them or – if that other person has children – replacing them. They resent not being able to spend one-on-one time with the parent and/or having to include other children into their family time. The new person is often caught in the middle and caught unawares when trying to navigate the new family dynamic. It is often a no-win situation which either strains or terminates the new relationship or causes fractures or irreparable harm to the existing relationships. There is a way to minimize the damage.

Discussing the inevitable third party relationship during the divorce is a good option, although difficult and uncomfortable. Trying to reach a mutual understanding/agreement as to when a third party should be introduced to the children, how it should be done, what discussions/notice between the parents should be given, the importance of establishing boundaries and maintaining alone time with the children, feedback to be provided by the other parent, how to handle any resistance from the children, etc should be a goal. Identifying and agreeing to attend coparenting therapy to address any (often many) issues in a positive, goal-oriented, and childcentered way is often advisable and a very helpful. It helps to address matters in a timely fashion and fosters productive communication. Should the third party become a step-parent, that person should also be involved in the therapy/communication so they, too, can have the benefit of professional assistance in navigating often difficult matters. They have a special relationship with the child that also needs to be fostered for the benefit of the child.