GRATITUDE AFTER DIVORCE – Finding Emotional Closure

OK, let’s get the humor out of the way: many of my clients are grateful for the divorce. And that’s understandable. The circumstances leading up to a divorce are difficult and the process of divorce is often difficult. But this is not the gratitude I’m referring to here. I’m referencing something deeper than the circumstances of time and place; rather, an awareness that life is precious, that struggles are an opportunity for growth, that the world is much bigger than ourselves and that our words and actions do make a difference.

Life is Precious: Most of us, me included, go about our day without even thinking about our bodies unless something is not functioning correctly. But how often is everything working right? We are amazing. And our natural world is amazing. We all recognize it when we stop and think about it or observe it. The trouble is, we don’t do that enough. Who has time to do it at all during divorce? It takes all your mental energy just to take the steps to make it to the next day. Now is the time to stop and acknowledge your wonderful self – no matter how many emotional bumps and bruises you’ve acquired. You survived one of the most stressful events that can happen to someone.

Life is good even when it is not: Life is full of ups and downs. It’s easy to feel grateful at the peaks and harder when in the valleys. But we can be grateful, regardless. Being grateful is a state of mind, not just an emotion. It takes effort and practice, but it is possible. One must look beyond the immediate hardship. There is always something profoundly positive to acknowledge: health, a friendship, a fond memory, laughter, a stranger’s random act of kindness, a child’s love, a song, a piece of chocolate, the sunshine, the sound of the ocean, a pleasant aroma, a comfortable bed, a full stomach, among others. And there is courage in facing struggles with an open heart. We too often try to avoid hardship, but it is during hardship that our true abilities must rise to the challenge. We are forced out of our comfort zone. We are tested. Even in failure we learn and grow. But only if we are willing to accept the lesson.

We are but a small part of a big world: Divorce affects so much of one’s life that it is only natural to focus solely inward, making ourselves central. It is here that we can get caught up into thinking ourselves too important, taking credit for too much or blaming ourselves too much, often trying to control too much out of fear. But being thankful requires looking outward and acknowledging that we are often not in control of much our overall life. This results in grace towards not just us, but also towards others.

Affirmative words and actions: Those who practice gratitude not only recognize blessings but affirmatively acknowledge them and act on them. This creates and strengthens social bonds, integrates us with the greater community and makes us part of the positive force helping others.

If you look for good, you will often find it. If you project positivity, you will often receive it. Divorce hinders the ability to do either of these. Often, those involved in a divorce are doing just the opposite and reaping the negative consequences. Changing your mindset can change your life. Try the following to start:

 

  1. Focus on and acknowledge the good from your prior relationship.
  2. Identify decisions or things you did during the divorce that you are proud of and thank yourself.
  3. Identify decisions or things you could have done better during the divorce and learn from it. Give yourself credit for that insight and for striving to be better.
  4. Identify some friends and family members who helped you through your divorce. Write them a thank you letter or take them out for coffee/lunch and thank them in person. Focus your communication on how they helped you through a difficult time and how appreciative you are. Make it about them, not your divorce.
  5. Keep a daily journal or notes on your phone or pictures of things that bring you joy or comfort. Refer back to them on difficult days and before you go to bed each night.

More tips on achieving peace and happiness following divorce can be found in the book, Divorce Matters, by Attorney Kathy Boufford, available at Amazon,  Barnes and Noble and other on-line book providers.

DIVIDING HOLIDAYS DURING AND AFTER DIVORCE: Tips for Peaceful Parenting*

Holidays can be stressful enough without having to negotiate parenting time. While dividing time between each parent requires some planning and effort, it does not have to be a struggle. Here are some tips to ease the process:

  1. Start early! It is so much easier to focus on creating a child-centered plan when you don’t have the calendar bearing down on you and your time and energy are not already sapped by other holiday to-do’s. Setting up something early also allows advanced communication of the schedule to other family members, thereby reducing the chance of conflicts and hurt feelings.
  2. Focus more on how each parent can best celebrate the holiday than on what day it actually falls on. Many, if not most, holidays are actually celebrated over several days. Independence Day is July 4th but celebrations are often held throughout the week and especially on the weekends before and after if it falls on a weekday. Some communities celebrate Halloween on October 31st, but many others have their celebrations on a nearby Saturday or Sunday. This is in addition to the many trunk-or-treats and other opportunities offered by civic and private organizations. Thanksgiving is on Thursday but the Friday and Saturday immediately following are wonderful and customary alternatives to the traditional Thursday dinner. Just because one parent is getting the holiday does not mean that the other parent cannot also have their own celebration with the children.
  3. Although it is common to alternate the actual holidays and then rotate each year, do what is best for your family. Many couples have different preferences as to which holidays are celebrated. An example of this is where one parent’s extended family always has a big gathering on Christmas Eve and the other parent’s extended family does Christmas Day. Another example is one parent who prefers to go away to ski over the President’s Day weekend and the other who would rather travel to warmer weather or visit grandparents during the school Spring Break. These parents may care more about creating yearly traditions with the children than alternating these times. It’s OK.
  4. Do your best to support and compliment each other’s holiday parenting time. It’s not a contest. Your children should be happy to be with each parent without feeling guilty.
  5. Put your agreement, the holiday schedule, in writing. It won’t prevent a parent from disrupting it, but it is likely to minimize conflict and any possible misunderstanding. Include starting and ending times and who is responsible for transportation.

In the end, the best holiday gifts you and your co-parent can give your children is certainty surrounding their holiday schedule and peace between their parents.

*More detailed information on parenting plans can be found in Divorce Matters, a legal guidebook written by Attorney Kathy Boufford available at Amazon,  Barnes and Noble and other on-line book providers.

What is special masters?

The Judicial Branch offers people going through divorce several different types of assistance with resolving their divorce. One of them is referred to as a Special Masters proceeding and it involves the voluntary participation of attorneys. It usually takes place after other efforts fail to produce an agreement and the parties seem to be headed for trial. It is only available to litigants who are both represented by counsel. (If one or both parties are self-representing, the court can offer alternative options). And it only addresses financial disputes.

The process depends on the commitment of time and effort from very generous attorneys who perform this work as both a courtesy to the court and to enhance their professional skills. They generally have many years of experience working in the judicial district they serve and are respected by their colleagues. They essentially agree to serve as “Special Masters” for a period of time knowing that they will be assigned dates a few times per year. The assignment consists of working with another Special Master (there are always two – one male, one female) hearing summaries of cases from the parties’ attorneys, discussing them with each other, and making recommendations for settlement to the parties. The proceeding used to take place in a conference room at the courthouse, but lately have been increasingly conducted remotely, via Zoom.

Both parties and their attorneys must be present. Prior to the Special Masters, the attorneys each prepare a document which provides the Special Masters with some background information on the parties, the marriage and the outstanding issue in the divorce. It also contains each parties’ claims (what divorce terms they want). The attorneys also provide the Special Masters with current Financial Affidavits from both parties. This is not a trial. Most of the time, no other documents are necessary. The parties do not testify, although the Special Master may ask a question if they need clarification on something.

At the Special Masters, the attorneys each take turns orally presenting a short summary of the issues in dispute and their “pitch” for why they think what their client is asking for is reasonable. The Special Masters may ask a few questions and then talk amongst themselves for a while. When they return, they jointly present their recommendations for settlement and usually share why they think the way they do. They will encourage the parties to settle their case as opposed to taking the case to trial. They will explain that trials are expensive, both financially and emotionally, and risky – that often people don’t get what they think they will get from a judge. The whole process takes between 60-90 minutes. The recommendations are not filed with the court and the judge that hears the case – if it goes to trial – will never know what was recommended. Nor will they know who agreed or disagreed. It is all considered settlement negotiations and, thus, confidential.

Although the Special Masters may ask the attorneys if they think the case will settle, parties do not have to decide anything right then and there. They will have time to discuss the recommendations with their attorneys. The parties can either agree, disagree or resume negotiations based on the feedback from the Special Masters. If the case is not already scheduled for trial, dates will be discussed at that
time.

Covid-19 – Family Law Update

How Family Cases are progressing during the Pandemic

Since last writing, in May, 2020, there has been much progression with family law cases.  Up until then, the courts were still only hearing emergency matters and had just begun to accept some agreements without court appearances by the parties.  Starting in June, the courts began holding status conferences and pretrials with judges remotely.  The status conferences were an attempt to triage cases for future court attention.  The pretrials were an attempt to settle and dispose of cases.  The first remote hearings began at the end of July.  It was a bit like the “Wild West” as attorneys and the courts navigated the ever-changing rules concerning remote hearing procedure.  Over six months time, and a lot of “clarification,” later and things are still murky.  I’ve determined that the best approach is to just go with what I think is the correct procedure given the guidance provided and ask for assistance when needed.  It may not be surprising to hear that often the clerks and judges don’t have all the answers either.  Together we’ve been able to sort through the uncertainties with the joint goal of moving the cases forward in a fair and consistent manner.  Communication, empathy and humbleness are key.  I’m pleased to report that I’ve gone through many, many remote hearings successfully.  It’s not ideal, but it can be done.

In an attempt to address the growing backlog of cases filed, the courts have instituted many different remote proceedings.  Some were tried for a short period of time and discontinued.  Some remain.  It has been interesting (and sometimes frustrating) to be a part of this process.   Even the court’s handling of emergency “Priority 1” cases has evolved.  These are the only cases, still, that take place in person at the courthouse.  My first such hearing in early April did not even require that I wear a mask(!).  I think I showed up in a scarf only because it was very cold.  Everyone was told to wait outside.  They took my cell phone number and told me to wait for a call.  My “meeting” with Family Relations was replaced by a phone call where they took down my information and then called the other party to discuss the case with them.  Then called me back…. Not too successful in reaching an agreement as you might imagine.  When we were allowed to go in, it was as if we all had the plague.  The spacing was comical but understandable.  The witnesses were not allowed to “take the stand” and instead were told to testify from counsel’s table (it was OK if the client was next to me, just not the court personnel…..).   Remember when people were afraid to touch paper?  I couldn’t get the clerk to take my Appearance Form.  Finally a marshal with gloves grabbed it and placed it on her desk which did not make her happy.  It’s probably still there.  Well, we made it through the hearing, regardless.

My next hearing was in another court a few weeks later.  By then I had to wear a mask and they were letting attorneys come into the court to sign in but not sit down as all the benches were either removed or blocked from use.  My client had to wait in the car.  Family Relations was still by phone.  When time for our hearing, my client and I were actually put in a courtroom with a monitor while the other party and attorney went into another courtroom with the judge, marshal, clerk (basically everyone else).  We were forced to stand on top of one another in order to both utilize the monitor (so much for social distancing).  As if this was not bad enough, the video camera feeding the monitor was only pointing at the judge.  This was fine when I was talking or listening to the judge but appalling when I was trying to examine the witness and listen to opposing counsel.  I don’t know for sure, but I think this very unfair set-up was quickly aborted.  I have yet to talk with another attorney who experienced such a situation.

Since then, I’ve attended several more emergency hearings and things are getting more and more “normal.”  Family Relations meetings for Priority 1 cases returned to an in-person, albeit socially distanced, affair.  I and my client have been able to enter the courthouse and move pretty freely about the building.  Everyone is in the same courtroom and addresses the Court in the same manner.

Some districts are moving slower than others, for sure, leaving many wondering if their cases will ever be heard.  I am hopeful that these courts will gain traction in the near future.  It is important to keep inquiring about these stagnant cases.

It is my fervent hope that we will return to in-person justice soon.  While I am in favor of retaining some of the remote processes, no amount of technology can replace the immeasurable benefits of live examination, testimony and argument for hearings and trials.

COVID-19 Progress: Courts now taking AGREEMENTS on the Papers which means NO COURT APPEARANCE NECESSARY

Up until recently, the courts were only handling emergency matters, what they call “Priority 1”.  All other matters, no matter how urgent they are to you or if uncontested, had to wait.  Since the beginning of the month, the work the court is handling has been expanding.  The biggest change involves the elimination of the requirement to come to court in order to get agreements approved.  Right now, if you have a full agreement and prepare the necessary paperwork correctly, you can obtain final orders/approvals of agreements in the following matters without having to appear in court:

  • Divorce
  • Legal Separation
  • Custody
  • Visitation
  • Contempt Motions
  • Modification Motions

Attorneys are considered essential workers and have been fully able to work throughout this process.  If you have one of the above matters pending during this pandemic, there is little reason why your attorney is not working on your case to move it forward in an attempt to reach an agreement.  Your attorney has been able to proceed.  If they have not, it is in your best interest to contact them and request they do so.  We do not know if this elimination of court appearances will continue beyond the pandemic response.

If you do not have a case pending but would like to proceed with one, it is not too late to start the process.  If the matter is by agreement, it can likely be completed and filed before this rule changes.

Going to court is not a terrible thing, but most find it inconvenient.  You have to miss work/arrange for child care, travel to court, wait for your turn (which could be a lengthy time) with others, take the stand and publicly testify about the terms of your agreement (which could include personal information).  Had it been an option in the past, most of the clients I’ve worked with would have greatly preferred avoiding court and having their matter approved in private by the judge.  There is also the added benefit of not having to pay your attorney to go to court.  This greatly reduces your cost and should be an added incentive to reach agreements.

Unfortunately, not all matters proceed by agreement and the extent of the disagreement justifies the time and expense of a hearing.  Contested matters are still being filed but have to wait for the courts to be able to accommodate a hearing.  They are only just now starting to schedule contested matters and the dates being given are months away.

If you have any questions or would like assistance with your uncontested or contested matter, please do not hesitate to contact my office.  We have been fully operational, working remotely, and have moved cases forward (and completed some) as much as possible given court restraints and opposing counsel/party cooperation (which hasn’t always been great). We are here to help and will continue to keep you informed as the courts continue to expand services.  Be well.

Written 5/13/2020